


cannot fly so instead i fall as deliberately as i can

by colombiche



Category: Fallen Hero Series - Malin Rydén
Genre: 2am ramblings, F/F, Other, POV Second Person, friendless scar and "its all inevitable" drive most sexy options, sidesteps gender isnt specified friends. feel free to imagine whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:26:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23453218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/colombiche/pseuds/colombiche
Summary: it goes like this.sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and shaking and breathless.you cannot remember why this happens (but actually that is a lie). you look into the shadows and see your fate. you go back to sleep.it's too bad. you don't deserve it.
Relationships: Julia Ortega/Sidestep, Ortega/Sidestep (Fallen Hero)
Kudos: 17





	cannot fly so instead i fall as deliberately as i can

**Author's Note:**

> i wrote this at 2am in my notes app when i was having emotions bc i replayed fallen hero after almost TWO YEARS. proper punctuation and grammar whos her
> 
> (its choppy. i know. rip)

it goes like this.

you think you're simply going through the motions, the hollow shell of a functioning being. this plan, this _thing_ that's been your whole world, that you've been building up for years, since sidestep died and the world fucking ended -

well. you think if you let yourself think about it too much, you wouldn't know why you're still going through with it. what is the original reason? you remember your drive, right after you escaped. you remember a sort of steely determination to do this, to do what needs to be done -

_(what needs to be done? think. remember.)_

but any idea as to why slips between your fingers, dissipates into smoke obscured by a fog in your mind and leaves you acting and acting and acting with no hope of an end.

_(you can't remember. why can't you remember?)_

ortega is the promise of an end.

you think to yourself, i love ortega. you think to yourself, ortega is going to interfere in my plans (sooner or later). you think, this is a worthless distraction. you think, i need to focus on what i've worked so hard on. my objective. my goal. i need to discard ortega. i need to leave. i can't keep this up.

_(friendless. going through the motions.)_

you stay. you meet up for coffee and cake. you let her prod about going to that shrink you promised and you let her reach out carefully to rest a hand on your shoulder and you let her tuck a strand of hair behind your ear and you let her press her lips to yours, soft and loving and gentle, as if you were the one who's damaged, as if you were the one who needs healing, as if you were the one who'd been beaten down and gotten broken bones and been betrayed - 

_it just gets worse_

sometimes you wake up in the middle of the night, sweating and shaking and breathless. you wake up and you see her there on the asphalt ground, writhing and gasping and

_wait, did that happen? - (of course it did)_

the light hurts your eyes

_**your** eyes, what about her, she's hurting, she's hurt, how could you have been so **stupid** \- _

and you go to speak but nothing comes out

_you can say nothing you can justify nothing you can do nothing but look on in horror_

as you commit the ultimate betrayal of the person you once

_(still)_

loved.

it goes like this.

you think to yourself, i am nothing, you think to yourself, she is everything. you think, the day shes realises who i am

_what i've always been (what i've become)_

is the day i will finally be laid to rest. you think, if i must go down as a villain who failed i will go down to no one but her. 

until then, you allow yourself this one freedom. until then, you smile your world weary smile at her across the table, you are the person who died all those years ago, you forget _(ignore)_ the weight of your mission. 

ortega is not yours but you are hers, and you will give her the pleasure, the right, the upmost respect of tearing you down.

it goes like this.

the end is inevitable. the end is powerful. the end is love.

you fall as best you can.

**Author's Note:**

> friends let me know what u think bc i havent uploaded a piece of writing in almost two years. 
> 
> actually fun fact i was one of the og fallen hero stans - my other fanfic was the first julia ortega fic in this fandom on ao3! im not saying you HAVE to check it out but like. [i wont stop you hehe](https://archiveofourown.org/works/17022552)


End file.
